Ideals, values and priorities

I am finally done with UChicago and it is about time to move on to a new place. I suppose today is a pretty good day, I got double departmental honors + general honors for my two majors and collected almost all the possible academic awards. ( I guessed I didnt get best undergraduate econs paper, but i wasnt disappointed). I have to say this is the first time in my academic career that I sort of managed to meet my own academic expectations. I expected to get 4 A stars and 2 A stars popped out in PSLE. I expected at least 9 A1s but popped out 7 A1s in O-Levels. I expected to get at least 4 As but 3As popped out.

But i didnt exactly feel happy except for that split second when i saw my results. I suppose this is in part due to my cocky presumption that i deserve the academic honors and will definitely get them. Admittedly, I spent most of my time this quarter slacking and watching serials so i dont feel like i deserve anything. But I think a large part of it has to do with my changing ideals, values and priorities in life. Academic results just doesnt seem that important to me now.


Anyway, I had a disturbing conversation with XY as usual. I realize that i don't really have many ideals left. In the past I have a strong conviction in truth, speaking out when i think there is a point to be made. These days I dont really know what the hell "truth" is and in anycase i cannot be bothered to pop the little bubble of happiness people create for themselves.

I think for a short while in the past, i was quite interested in power. But i think i am bit tired of it and especially bad in playing the game. I am trying to get myself interested in money, but i never really have a craving for money to satisfy my material needs. I think it is absolutely stupid for brand-conscious people to pay a large sum of money to obtain the rights to advertise and showoff some designer names for free. I am never really convinced with the quality argument of branded products, unless the quality can be demonstrated to me (Laptops, Cars). Maybe it is about "style", but i think basing one's style on external adornments is quite silly. Firstly, the fashion of the day changes and secondly, it is pathetic to let some freaking Italian designers decide what you should wear to impress yourself or people the next day. But i have come to think that branded products serve the psychological need for people to distinguish and differentiate themselves. They are signals of wealth and prosperity and make the person feel better.

Anyway, the point is that I dont think I have any ideals left or feel strongly for, except for the ideal of love. I guess that is why i refuse to "debase" it by having a few girlfriends and "testing" to see which one works. And I am quite amused and flattered by some of my friends' antics to matchmake me. And there is no point in figuring out what kind of girl i like, because my ideal of love is all exclusive except for me and HER (for thosewho think i am gay). I have been quite consistent in telling people all sorts of strange and weird qualities that i find attractive in girls (e.g. a girl that drinks tea is pretty). No one will find out the type of girl i like until it is fait accompli :)